i'll be there for you

I have never felt more alone in my entire life. 

BOOM dramatic opening.

I'm joking. Sort of. I do feel really alone, but I don't mean it to sound like I have nothing and no-one. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like something good or funny would happen, and I'd want to tell someone about it, but then I stop because I don't feel like I have anyone to tell it too. And the same for something bad. So instead I write it down.

I have my friends but I feel like I'm losing them for something beyond my control. They all go out and have a great time, and I'm glad they do because of course I want my friends to be happy! But I just wish they didn't talk about it so much, or that they'd tell me stuff. Like we would all be together and someone would make a joke that I wouldn't understand because I wasn't there, and I'd have to sit and listen to them speak about the great nights. But I guess if they're happy, I should be too. I just wish I could be part of it.

In One Tree Hill there's a quote "People always leave, or Peyton always pushes them away?" Am I Peyton? I think I do that, I really do. This is now the 4th time a best friend is leaving me. FOURTH. It will never compare to moving countries, which is probably the worst I have ever felt, but it's still moving. And leaving me behind. Like am I really that bad? Do people really need to escape me so much? I don't know. And the worst bit is I can't talk to anyone about it. It's a "secret." 

Again, without sounding dramatic, I think I see the world different than people. I am so happy to be here and experience this, and I don't understand how people can moan about every little thing. Do they not realise how lucky they are? They have money, houses, education, family, friends. What more could you want? It's so selfish. What seems to matter to others doesn't matter to me. 

I feel like I'm having this internal battle with myself and everyone else is oblivious to it. And i just want someone to notice. I'm tired of being the one to hand out all the advice, I'm sick of being the one to solve the problems and supporting everyone else. I need someone to support me. I need someone to remind me that I matter. Because right now, I feel irrelevant, and that's the only way I can describe it. But don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything. I'm just sad. But happy. And confused? I'm everywhere and everything right now.