i'll be there for you

I have never felt more alone in my entire life. 

BOOM dramatic opening.

I'm joking. Sort of. I do feel really alone, but I don't mean it to sound like I have nothing and no-one. I don't even know how to describe it. It's like something good or funny would happen, and I'd want to tell someone about it, but then I stop because I don't feel like I have anyone to tell it too. And the same for something bad. So instead I write it down.

I have my friends but I feel like I'm losing them for something beyond my control. They all go out and have a great time, and I'm glad they do because of course I want my friends to be happy! But I just wish they didn't talk about it so much, or that they'd tell me stuff. Like we would all be together and someone would make a joke that I wouldn't understand because I wasn't there, and I'd have to sit and listen to them speak about the great nights. But I guess if they're happy, I should be too. I just wish I could be part of it.

In One Tree Hill there's a quote "People always leave, or Peyton always pushes them away?" Am I Peyton? I think I do that, I really do. This is now the 4th time a best friend is leaving me. FOURTH. It will never compare to moving countries, which is probably the worst I have ever felt, but it's still moving. And leaving me behind. Like am I really that bad? Do people really need to escape me so much? I don't know. And the worst bit is I can't talk to anyone about it. It's a "secret." 

Again, without sounding dramatic, I think I see the world different than people. I am so happy to be here and experience this, and I don't understand how people can moan about every little thing. Do they not realise how lucky they are? They have money, houses, education, family, friends. What more could you want? It's so selfish. What seems to matter to others doesn't matter to me. 

I feel like I'm having this internal battle with myself and everyone else is oblivious to it. And i just want someone to notice. I'm tired of being the one to hand out all the advice, I'm sick of being the one to solve the problems and supporting everyone else. I need someone to support me. I need someone to remind me that I matter. Because right now, I feel irrelevant, and that's the only way I can describe it. But don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything. I'm just sad. But happy. And confused? I'm everywhere and everything right now.

Who's there?

Religion is one of those things that separates people and causes so much violence all over the world, and it's stupid really. It's something that is based aound lots of different things and have been interupted in different ways to fit each religions view on things.

I'd not consider myself to be a religious person, but I do believe in God... I mean thinking about it, it seems to much to be a coincidence that if we were a tiny bit closer to the sun it'd to warm for human life, and a tiny but further away it'd be too cold for human life. It's too accurate to think it just happened. And also, even our bodies are so complex its hard to think they just developed, how all the beauty of the world just came about from nothing, or a big bang and some dust particles. It's weird.

There's also another reason for my belief and it's sorta for my own personal comfort. It's comforting, right? It's nice to think there's a God out there who is looking over you and loves you and has got an idea of who you wanna be, and considered you important enough to be born. It's just a nice thought and even if he doesn't exsist, who can blame a person for wanting to believe in something?

Whether or not you believe in something should not be a cause to fight, it should be a comfort and personal pleasure. I wouldn't go preaching to people about what I believe, nor would I even know what to say, but I can still be happy in the fact that it's right for me, that it's something that brings me hope. And i think more people should try and do the same, because a lot of effort would be saved.

Teenage Dreams

Everyone says that being a teenager is the best time of your life, but I think it's also the most difficult, most important and most adventurous.

It has to be difficult, it's growing up from a child to an adult and to do that you have to learn, mature and grow into someone stronger than what you were. You leave behind a lot of shit that brought you down and you move on and become stronger, and its good. Now, some people may want to give up, i know people who do, but why hsould you? It's life testing you to make sure you can cope with adulthood, when you'll probably become a parent and then have to guide your child through the same shit you went through. Whatever you learn a a teenager sticks with you.

There comes a time when you realise what never mattered, what does now and what always will, and when you've got that you're really getting somewhere. The little bitches that try and bring you down, so fuck. Who are they to say you aren't amazing in your own way? Who are they to say you're les of a person than they are? They can't, and soon enough they'll be gone and if thats how they wanna get through life, fuck them.

Teenage years are the most adventurous because lets face it, breaking the rules is a lot more fun. Staying out late, drinking too much, trying new things; drugs, sex and who knows what else, its the time for fun and you might as well take it.

When i see people so tied down as a teenager it kinda makes me sad, why would you want that do young? Don't get me wrong there was a time when I wanted that, but it was only cos I wanted him, and then I realised why the fuck should I be with one person through the best years of my life? HIGH SCHOOLS FOR FINDING YOUR BRIDESMAIDS, NOT YOUR HUSBAND. and I totally think thats right.

It's about finding the best friends that are gonna be with you through everything, and already have. They've been with you through the awkward moody stage and still love you, so that counts for a lot. If you can get through teenage bitchiness, you can get through anything. If someone wants to stay with the same person forever since they're like 15, fair enough to them, but its just not for me. What I dont get though, is if you love each other that much, you'll still love each other in 5 years time when it can work better and you've got the fun outta your system.

people say you cant fall in love at say, 15, but I say fuck them. Who is anyone else to tell you how you feel? How could they possibly know if its real or not? Noone can, not even us, only time can tell. The best thing about falling in love young, is realising your mistakes young. That way you wont do it again, you learn, you mature and you gather what you want more. That way in a few years time things can work so much better... at least thats what I think!

So yeah, fuck everyon elses opinions. Don't let any bitches bring you down, don't let any boys break your heart, don't let anyone tell you what to do, and don't let any best friends slip away. Just live and laugh and have as much fun as you possibly can <3

if you dont like it, change it.

Something that really bugs me about people, is those who sit on facebook or twitter and go "oh i hate my life its so shit." or something along those lines. I mean, yeah its alright to have a rant every now and then, but not to sit & complain over and over again.

Im not gonna pretend that I havent done that, because I have. But then I wised up and thought, wtf am i doing? It's my life, I can make it into whatever I want. The things I didnt like? I changed. I tried, at least. In most things I suceeded, but you don't always get everything you want.

You have to fight for what you want. You can't just sit back and expect it to come to you. If it's something you want bad enough, you'll fight and fight, and if you lose, then at least you went down fighting. I made the mistake of realising this too late, and I didnt put the effort in early enough, and now its too late. but that's okay, because it's my fault and I've learnt from it and I'll never do it again.

So don't just sit there and complain, do something. I don't have sympathy for those who say they're broken if they never tried to save themselves. As long as you try, that's something, and its something you can be proud of because not many people do.

Confidence

I think confidence is something that cam make you or break you really. Too much of it can make you cocky and just plain annoying, but too little of it can make you shy and unapproachable. It's hard getting the balance right. Confidence can take years to build up and it's so strange how easily it can be broken.

For me, confidence was never my problem. I had never been that shy that it was a problem. Sure, sometimes around new people I was a bit shy, but I'd still talk to them and make the effort. Confidence is appearence is another hard thing to come to terms with, and that's something I'm still struggling with.

The thing is, I was never the type of girl to sit in front of a mirror and pick out any bad point I could. I just got on with it, I was who I was, and obsessing over a freckle wasn't going to get me anywhere. That was how I liked it.

But then again, sometimes it's not you who knocks your confidence. Sometimes it's those around you, especially bitchy little girls who will try anything to bring you down. And sometimes it works. I began noticing things that they'd pointed out, began to obsess over who else had noticed them. I resented them... one eyebrow was slightly higher and one eye was slightly smaller. Was my top lip too thin for my bottom one?  All these little things that weren't important at all began to stand out, and when talking to someone if their eyes flickered to a certain area, "what are they looking at? are they looking at my imperfections?"

And it's hard. It's hard when you have to listen to others point out bad things about you and use them against you. It's hard hating looking in a mirror because each time you do every feature seems more and more prominent. I still have trouble sometimes, but its better now because I've realised that looking at things that way isn't going to change them. So it's more about ignoring them and not listening to how others think you look, because really, what is it to them? I say it makes them insecure, if they feel the need to try and bring others down.

So remember, hold your head up high, thoe bitches would kill to see you fall <3

Didn't write this, but it's beautiful.

Tears streaming down your face? Yeah, you're not the only one. So i guess that means you're not alone; maybe you're better off being alone than risk having your heart torn apart again. It's all his fault, isn't it? Even though at one point he was your answer to everything. The one who made you feel like the happiest person alive, the one who could make you laugh when you didn't even want to smile, the one you stayed up with for hours on end talking about anything there was to be talked about, the one you could relate every song you listened to, the one you thought was the definition of perfect. Not anymore though.

These days, you mean very little to him. You feel like you don't even matter, and the truth is you probably don't. You've been replaced. and he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings. It hurts doesn't it? He's forgetting about you and there's nothing you can do about it, only move on. Easier said than done. Especially after having some of the best times you've ever had with anyone. You tell yourself to forget about him because he doesn't love you, but there's something inside your heart that keeps you hanging on in the hopes of him loving you again.

The saddest part is realising that he just doesn't feel that way about you. So you watch him make mistakes, very pretty mistakes indeed, you get so unbelievably jealous just because you would give anything to be one of those mistakes. I guess we have no control over who we fall for. Moving on - a slow, painful process. But we get there in the end, with the friends who have been there since day one to help you with everything.

As for him - fuck him. Fuck the tears you've cried over him. Fuck the sleepless nights you've had. Fuck the sad songs you've had on repeat. Fuck everything that reminds you of him. Let go, move on, maybe one day he'll realize the girl he let go. May he be filled with the biggest regret ever.

Love is hard, and at least you can't say you didn't try. After all, moving on doesn't mean you're weak; it means you're strong enough to let go.

parents

soo im just chilling here by myself, as per usual. seriously its getting to the point where every single night I'm in my house, by myself. Most people would love that, I there are nights when I do love being alone for some peace and quiet. but not every night, sometimes I'd like to feel like I live with someone fs.

my mum and dad go out every night, but not together. they go out, get drunk, come home, fight and scream, annoy me, and repeat. without a doubt at least 3 times a week, everynight sometimes. It's really sad, the only time I feel like I actually see them are when they're drunk! I find it hilarious when people go "hate drunk parents fs" after they randomly spend a night out, but its something I have all the time.

It's not exactly fun being woken up at 2am by screaming parents who throw glasses at each other, then having to get them both to bed and most like get insulted in the process and the next day I have to pretend it never happened! yay -.-

thats on a good night, if they come home... weekends are actually better than weekdays. sometimes my mum stays in :o weird like.

my mum and dad don't know anything about me. like anything. they wouldnt be able to answer a question about me, and sometimes they put me down, especially my mum.

"Should you really be eating that?"
"Size 6, you should fit into that!" Tshirts, serious? My jebs would not fit in size 6.
"You got skinny jeans? Why? You have to be skinny to wear them."
"Oh my god look at the size of your legs, its not nice."

There's just a few, all on the same subject. Sometimes she varies her topics and concentrates on other aspects, but it still hurts. A lot. A mum is supposed to see you perfect in every way, yet mine puts me down all the time? If my mum can't accept me, how am I supposed to?

I remember one time I was sitting in my room crying, completely breaking down, and my mum walked in. I was so embarrased. She said "are you crying?" even though it was so obvious and then she was like "what's wrong?" and I said "nothing" and she was like "oh okay then I'm going out."

and that was that. bye mum, love you too. to be honest, i do love my mum. She's hilarious and I know she's been hurt, but we just don't have a close relationship, nor do I have one with my dad. They both drink too much, I'd even go as far to say they have a problem. But there's nothing I can do to change that, I've tried, and each time it seems like they pick alcohol over me. but everyones family works differently, and thats just how mine does.